Sasuke's Pains of Christmas
by Dante's Waltz
Summary: Sasuke's Christmas as told by the Twelve Pains of Christmas by Bob Rivers. Christmas humor and a splash of a lemon! Sasuke/Naruto yaoi


**Title****: **Sasuke's Pains of Christmas

**Rating**: M for painful Christmas sex

**Disclaimer**: Dear Santa, my bad for the whole year. Can I have the rights now?

**Description**: Sasuke's Christmas comparable to the Twelve Pains of Christmas

**Author's Note**: I am not sure about any one else's Christmas, but the Twelve Pains of Christmas perfectly describes what I believe to be 95% of Christmases, mine included. This is actually the only Christmas song my dad can stand because he relates most with the lights guy. So I dedicate this story to anyone who has suffered through holiday pains!

**Playlist**: what else? Twelve Pains of Christmas!

~~~~Enbu no akumu…

Sasuke and Christmas were as friendly to each other as competing Christmas lights neighbors. They appeared to be friendly to each other but in reality, they were scheming ways to take the other down. Now Sasuke was no Grinch, but he only tolerated Christmas. He had twelve reasons why Christmas absolutely drove him nuts.

**_Reason 1: Finding a Christmas tree_**

"Naruto"

"I think maybe this tree, no wait! This tree! Actually this tree is bigger, yes, more room for presents…"

"Naruto!"

Naruto turned around to face his fiancé. Now in any other circumstance, Naruto would look hilarious, comparing tree branches in a bright orange knit cap. But Sasuke was cold and just wanted a damn tree already.

"Just pick a tree. They all look the same. They have all looked the same at the last three lots we have been to. Just pick a tree!" said Sasuke, twitching around to keep warm.

Naruto pouted. "But Sasuke we have to pick the perfect tree! This is our first Christmas as an engaged couple!"

Sasuke sighed. "And our only Christmas as an engaged couple. The stupid tree will only matter when we are an actual married couple."

Naruto kept pouting. "But Sasuke!"

"And," Sasuke continued, "We are just going to get rid of the tree in January. We should just invest in a fake tree."

Naruto looked horrified. "That's not the same thing!"

With that, he ran off determined to find the perfect tree. Which meant visiting another two more lots.

**_Reason 2: Rigging up the lights_**

Sasuke came downstairs early the first morning of December to find his beloved Naruto had metaphorically exploded the living room. He had to watch where he stepped due to the feet and feet of Christmas lights that now took over their living room.

"Um, Naruto, what happened to our living room?" he asked, somewhat afraid for the answer.

Naruto held up a section of lights he was inspecting. "I'm checking every light. This string of lights has blown a fuse so I need to figure out which light is out."

Sasuke just nodded and let Naruto to his own work. He went inside the kitchen and fixed himself breakfast. He went upstairs and got ready to go out. On his way out of the house, he called to Naruto.

"Naruto, I'm going out are you coming?" he asked.

Naruto called back. "No I need to resort through the lights. See you later!"

And so Sasuke left the house for his weekend errands. First, he stopped by the bank. Next, he went to his grandmother's house to shovel the snow from her driveway. Later he went grocery shopping. When he arrived back at home, he found Naruto outside hanging the lights. Sasuke fixed dinner and ate silently. Naruto burst in, ate a quick dinner, and then ran back out to finish. Finally while watching a movie, Naruto called Sasuke outside.

"All finished! And now for the grand lighting!" Naruto plugged two cords together and nothing happened. At least outside. The lights in the house went out.

Sasuke nearly face palmed. "You blew a fuse."

"Whoops"

**_Reason 3: Hangovers_**

"HERE I AM!!! ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE!!!" Naruto sang loudly from the Rock Band microphone. He and Sasuke were attending their friend Sakura's annual holiday party with lots of booze. And Naruto currently had drunk lots of booze.

Sasuke sat in the corner with Neji watching Naruto and Kiba fail miserably at Rock Band. Fortunately, the two were too drunk to notice.

"He is going to feel it tomorrow Uchiha," said Neji.

Sasuke sighed. "Yes I know this already."

Sure enough the next day, Naruto became friends with the porcelain god.

**_Reason 4: Sending Christmas cards_**

"Sasukeeeee," Naruto purred as he wrapped his arms around his love. He nuzzled the back of Sasuke's head.

"I loves you Sasuke!" Naruto said in a false cutesy voice.

Sasuke put down the newspaper he was reading. "What do you want Naruto?"

Naruto licked Sasuke's ear. "If you help me write Christmas cards, I will continue doing this to you. Except upstairs and without clothes."

Sasuke set down the newspaper and got up over to the dining room table where the cards were spread out. He sat down at a chair next to Naruto.

"All right," Naruto pushed some envelopes over to Sasuke. "You can address the envelopes while I write the message!"

Sounds easy enough, thought Sasuke. Forty minutes later, Sasuke started to get annoyed. He was not even halfway through the list of people they were sending cards! He picked up the list and reread through the names.

"Naruto, I don't even know half these people, who the hell is Tazuna Kinney?" Sasuke asked.

"Oh! He was my manager in my first job, you remember that job right?" asked Naruto.

"Tazuna? Wait a minute, your manager at McDonald's junior year?!"

**_Reason 5: Five months of bills_**

Sasuke braved the bright winter sun blinding him with the cold wind to check the mail. He ran back inside and thumbed through the mail. Several odd envelops addressed to Naruto caught his eye. Normally he would have left the mail alone but being his soon-to-be husband, he opened one envelope. Inside were an acceptance letter and a credit card. In fact, the next four envelopes addressed to Naruto were credit cards.

"Oh good they arrived finally!" said Naruto peering over his shoulder carrying a basket of laundry.

Sasuke was a bit shocked. "Um, Naruto, why do you have five new credit cards?"

"For Christmas gifts!" he said going up the stairs with the basket.

Sasuke sat down in on the sofa. Oh crap, it was going to be August and they still will be paying for those bills.

**_Reason 6: Facing the in-laws_**

"Yes, alright Granny, sure Granny, alright then, yes sure, yes see you soon," Naruto hung up the phone as fast as he could.

Sasuke looked over from the stove. "What's wrong babe?" he asked.

Naruto sighed and munched on a stray carrot sitting on the cutting board. "So my grandparents are coming to stay us for Christmas."

Sasuke nearly dropped spatula he was using. "We still have time to leave the country. No one else has to know we decided to celebrate Christmas in Cancun."

Naruto actually laughed. "As much fun as that sounds, that's not going to happen."

Sasuke went back to stirring the vegetables. "Why not? We can pull it off."

"Because my uncles and nephew are visiting also. Oh, and Ino."

Now Sasuke actually did drop the spatula. He suddenly saw a terrifying premonition. Naruto's grandmother completely drunk and trying to fight everyone. Naruto's grandfather telling dirty jokes. Naruto's uncle Kakashi making fun of Sasuke for everything. Naruto's other uncle Iruka trying to keep the peace. Naruto's cousin Ino hitting on Sasuke. And Naruto's nephew Konohamaru destroying everything he put his hands on.

Of course, those people would be on one side of the dinner table. The other side would consist of the Uchiha family, all sitting completely horrified with Naruto's family. Except for Itachi, who would be telling dirty jokes with Jiraiya. Still his parents would be appalled with the loud crazy Uzamaki's being let loose.

"I think I'll start calling travel agencies," said Sasuke dreamily, still focusing on the horror of the vision and walking out of the room.

"Sasuke! What about dinner?"

**_Reason 7: The Salvation Army_**

Sasuke stamped his feet around, trying to keep warm. He already had several layers of clothing beneath his leather coat but the bitter wind still kept him cold. He had been standing outside of this grocery store for over an hour and he still had another hour to go.

Now Sasuke was not some kind of Strooge who felt too good to do anything for the less fortunate. In fact, his parents always gave lots of money. However, did being a philanthropist meant _he_ had to be the one standing in the cold?

"Naruto are we almost done?" Sasuke asked his enthusiastic fiancé.

Naruto rang the bell as vigorous as possible, Santa hat flopping about with every movement. He gave a hearty Merry Christmas to a mom with her children then turned to speak to his popsicle fiancé.

"Isn't this fun Sasuke? Too bad we only have another hour left," said Naruto going back to ringing the bell.

Never at any other moment before in his life had Sasuke wanted to shove a bell up Naruto's ass, and not in the sexual way.

**_Reason 8: Whining children_**

Naruto held Sasuke's hand as they, meaning just Naruto, skipped through the mall. Sasuke had been dragged there for Christmas shopping. He preferred the mall when it was not crawling with mall rats, stressed soccer moms, and people who had nothing better to do other than to argue with the uncaring teen workers. Meaning he just never preferred the mall.

Naruto stopped dead in front of the display to GameStop, making Sasuke run into his back.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked him.

Naruto stood gaping at the sign in the window. It read in big exaggerated letters: DJ Hero Available! Now Lower Price!

Naruto gave a squeak then ran inside of the store. Sasuke reluctantly followed him inside where he found the blonde fast at play with the game.

"Sasuke isn't amazing! We should get it today because it's on sale right now! The closer to Christmas and the more the price might go up!" he exclaimed in a fast pace.

"Naruto, that's just a gimmick to get you to buy it. It will be cheaper after Christmas," he tried to explain.

"But they will sell out!" Naruto cried back.

Sasuke was getting aggravated. "Look Naruto, we have to save up for the wedding and can't be spending our money every chance we get! So we shouldn't waste it on stupid stuff!"

Naruto got mad. "So you think I'm stupid?"

Sasuke could feel a headache coming. "No I didn't say you were stupid-"

Naruto cut him off. "You think I'm stupid! Well fuck off, you are such a mean fiancé! You fucking jerk!"

With that, Naruto ran out of the store leaving Sasuke behind with plenty of stares. "What the fuck are all of you looking at?" he snapped.

Sasuke spend the next two hours looking around the mall for his distraught fiancé to no avail. He called four times only to hear Naruto's obnoxious voice mail message and to leave his own frustrated message. Finally, after the fifth time of hearing the message he returned to GameStop.

Mentally Sasuke cursed himself as he stood in line with the DJ Hero box. "Happy Holidays!" said the cheery employee as he paid for the game.

"Fuck off," Sasuke responded.

Now Sasuke was left of the problem of finding the idiot. Almost on cue, Sasuke spotted him coming out of the taking pictures with Santa line. Naruto sang to himself as he walked out holding his picture with Santa but stopped when he spotted Sasuke.

"Sasuke," Naruto addressed coldly.

Sasuke did not say anything as he threw the GameStop bag in his direction. Naruto cheered in joy as he realized what is was. He threw his arms around his beloved.

"Sasuke! I can't believe you got it for me! I'm so sorry I called you a jerk! I love you Sasuke!" he exclaimed into Sasuke's neck.

Sasuke hugged Naruto back. "Yes I love you too now please stop your bitching."

Where Sasuke could not see Naruto's face, Naruto smirked. His plan worked.

**_Reason 9: Finding parking spaces_**

Sasuke signaled into the next lane, knowing his turn was ahead. The traffic moved slower than usual; a reason for that could be the Christmas weekend shoppers. Also, the mall soon approached, meaning traffic near the entrances would be at a near standstill. Yes, they were back at the mall. Naruto agreed to meet Sakura there for Saturday before Christmas shopping, but now Naruto lay dozing in the seat next to Sasuke, the result of too much DJ Hero from the night before. Sasuke really did not mind this because now he could listen to his own music instead of the constant Christmas music.

Finally, he approached the mall and sure enough, the line to get in was a good half of mile backed up. Sasuke sighed and leaned back but was startled by a hand grabbing his crotch. He looked down to see a tan hand caressing his crotch, then he trailed his eyes over to its owner.

"So Naruto, you have a hand in a place I would rather you not touch while I was driving," Sasuke said sarcastically to his sleepy companion.

Naruto yawned and faced Sasuke. He grinned that huge smile, his eyes conniving with lust. "Well I had the most amazing dream that you and I were on a road trip. You were driving and pulled over to the side of the road so I can suck you off. So how about we make that dream come true?"

"In the car?" Sasuke asked rather horrified with the thought. "And if people see us?"

Naruto continued grinning. "Not in the back seat, those windows are tinted. And eventually the front windows will fog up."

Sasuke thought for a moment then agreed. "First let's find a parking spot in the mall. Then we can move to the backseat."

They turned into the mall and drove around looking for a parking spot. After the thirteenth time driving around, Sasuke could be his blood begin to boil and not because he was horny.

"Why can't I find a fucking parking place?" he exclaimed.

**_Reason 10: Batteries not included _**

Nothing quite said annoying to Sasuke than stupid singing stuff animals. Those stupid things seemed to be everywhere, from Santa on a motorcycle to a snowman singing Frosty the Snowman. As annoying as those were to Sasuke, his house seemed to be full of them.

Yes, Naruto found them to be hilarious. He found them so much so that he collected them. Every time they stepped into the store, he usually walked out with one of them. However, one in particular made Sasuke wanting to rage more than anything else.

They were at the store doing their weekly household and grocery shopping when Naruto just had to go to the Christmas section again. Sasuke was sure Naruto had the whole section memorized but Naruto still went anyways. Sasuke trailed behind Naruto as he search the aisles. Then they turned into that dreaded aisle.

"They got new ones!" Naruto exclaimed.

Sasuke stood horrified as Naruto pushed the buttons to annoying stuff animals so that the sounds of electronic singing filled the air. Then Naruto found what Sasuke decided the worst stuff electronic singing toy ever.

"Hip Hop Santa!" exclaimed Naruto as he held the toy in Sasuke's face. In horror Sasuke watched as Naruto pushed the button and the stuff Santa, in stereotyped 'hip hop' attire, started singing 'Intergalactic' and dancing.

"Isn't this great? I'm so buying this! But not this one, the battery might die out," Naruto shelved the one he had and dug out one from the back of the shelf.

For the rest of their excursion, Sasuke kept focusing on that stupid toy. Then when Naruto was not watching, Sasuke ripped open the back and threw the batteries away in the nearest garbage.

When they got home, Sasuke put away their purchases while Naruto found a place to put their new decoration. He walked by Naruto carrying toiletries while Naruto attempted to get the decoration to work.

"Why won't you play?" Naruto exclaimed.

"Batteries not included," Sasuke whispered to himself.

_**Reason 11: Stale TV specials** _

Dinner was over, the dishes sat drying in the sink, so Sasuke now took this time to relax. He curled up on the couch with a blanket and sat with his date for the evening: their DVR and pre-recorded episodes of Dexter.

Just as Sasuke turned on the TV, a message popped up on the screen: Recording beginning. Then his channel changed to misfit toys running around an island. Sasuke stared at the TV in a moment of surprise. Then he got mad. This was supposed to be his TV night dammit!

"Naruto!" he cried out. "What is being recorded?"

Naruto came bounding down the stairs. He squeezed his way onto the couch and turned up the volume on the TV.

"Alright, just in time for Rudolph and the Island of Misfit toys!" he exclaimed.

"How long does this take?" asked Sasuke with a groan.

"About an hour," Naruto answered.

_Alright, just an hour_, thought Sasuke. Then Naruto would give up the TV and he could watch his Dexter. But the hour of misfit toys ended and rather than taking control of the TV, Sasuke found himself watching Frosty the Snowman.

"Alright, so how much longer?" Sasuke asked again.

Naruto waited to stop laughing at the TV to respond. "Oh sorry, that was just so funny, alright. So, what now?"

Sasuke sighed. "How much longer?"

Naruto thought for a moment. "Well this one will be done soon, and then National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is playing on another channel. Then we have A Charlie Brown Christmas on the DVR. Then I'm going to bed because it will be really late by then."

Naruto snuggled deeper into the couch, ignoring a twitching Sasuke.

**_Reason 12: Singing Christmas carols _**

"Mmmmm…ahh…Naruto, your ass is just amazing…so tight…" Sasuke moaned out as he pushed a lubricated finger into Naruto.

Naruto moaned as he arched his back from the stimulations Sasuke was giving him. "Please hurry…Sasuke…I can't wait for this sleight ride…" Naruto panted out.

Sasuke paused for a moment then continued his movements. His licked around the insides of Naruto's legs, giving them feather soft kisses and tiny licks as he added a second finger to join the other. He moved to stretch the inside, a familiar pattern for the both of them.

"Sasuke…please…more…keep roasting my chestnuts…." Naruto kept moaning, kneading his fingers into Sasuke's damp hair.

Sasuke took another pause but kept going. Once he felt Naruto was stretched enough, he moved his fingers out of the way. Sasuke pulled Naruto's legs over his shoulder and aligned himself with Naruto's opening.

"Ready Naruto?" Sasuke asked.

"Yes, please, make my ass a white Christmas!" Naruto cried out in anticipation.

Sasuke just stared. He was at a lost over what to do, and then he remembered this hot piece of ass was waiting for him. Making sure he was perfectly aligned, he pushed his way into that said hot ass. It was stretched enough for him to fit comfortably but tight enough for Sasuke to enjoy. After waiting for Naruto to adjust, Sasuke pulled out almost completely, then rammed back in.

Sasuke started pushing slow, just barely moving into Naruto. Naruto on the other hand began to get impatient.

"Sasuke…I want to get off already! At this rate…it's going to last…all twelve days of Christmas…." panted out Naruto.

Sasuke was too in the moment to even stop to ponder this one. Instead, he rammed into Naruto with force until Naruto was flopping on the bed like a rag doll. Sasuke grabbed onto Naruto's hips to go farther and faster while Naruto clung to Sasuke's back, all the while avoiding that spot Sasuke knew would send Naruto into convulsions.

"Sasuke…please…stop rocking round the Christmas tree…" he moaned out.

Sasuke stopped pushing for a second, feeling blood starting to rush to a different head. After taking a moment to calm down, he pushed a particularly hard thrust that made Naruto scream. He regained his rhythm and found himself lost in Naruto and that tight pleasure. Soon he could feel the pleasure built up and about to burst.

"Naruto, I'm coming," Sasuke called out.

"Mmm, yes, Sasuke, let it snow!" Naruto cried, back arching in anticipation of his own release soon to come.

"That's it." Sasuke pulled out of Naruto completely and came all over his fiancé's lower body. He took a moment to catch his breath before lying down next to Naruto.

Naruto, on the other hand, got upset. He was still horny as fuck and Sasuke decided to pull out with finishing him!

"Hey what gives douche? I still need to come to!" Naruto cried out.

Sasuke chucked the bottle of lubricant at him. "Here, if you want to bring Christmas into our sex lives then you better get used to jingling your own bells before you end with a blue Christmas!"

With that, Sasuke rolled over and pulled the covers over his head.

* * *

**End. **

Thanks for reading! I hoped you enjoyed because I had a lot of fun writing this! Have a very Merry Christmas and a sexy holiday season!

_-Dante_


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